A very Ronstop Christmas

Its that time of year.  Christmas is here.  Its time for giving and holiday cheer :) 
Christmas sucks.  Forget Christmas.  I am bored with Christmas.  Its canceled!!!  You're all ruining it anyway. 
Don't get me wrong.  I am on board with many, if not all, of the basic concepts of Christmas.

I love getting together with friends for drinks and merrymaking.
Mostly the drinks though.  I am not completely sure of all that merrymaking entails. 
I like my family. 
For the most part.
I like turkey and mixed nuts and pies. 
Gluttony is a particular specialty of mine.
I love costumes and themed parties.
Doesn't everybody?
I love trees...
and burning trees in the fireplace.  I like burning trees in the woods too (whilst camping and such).  I do not like forest fires.  I am not sure why I bothered to make the distinction. 
I love hot chocolate (with or without marshmallows)
I love snowballs, snowmen, snow sports and snow forts.
However, I do not care for drivers that go painfully slow on perfectly clear roads.  

I like shopping.
I am a huge fan of giving gifts. 

I am a bigger fan of receiving gifts.  Don't you dare lie and flip this one.  Don't you dare. 

ESPECIALLY LADIES-I know you like to receive gifts. Otherwise, I hereby cancel Valentine's Day as well and you can forget any "Just Because" Flowers. AND!!!...if you liked to give that much...well lets just say that I know something that men like to receive and we're not receiving it in the quantities that we would like.  Trust me.  I speak for us all. 

Its the thought that counts!  What a load of B.S. 
"Well...I thought you wore a small." 
"Well...I think you'll have to take it back."

There is only one woman I like to buy presents for and that's my mother.  Its because she has to like whatever I do.  It is written.  She will like whatever gift I get for her.  Sometimes I like to get here really odd things just to see what her reaction will be.

"Oh, my!" She exclaimed.  "I love these Tweety Bird house slippers"
She loves them because she knows that I didn't forget about her.  I got her Sylvester P.J.'s last year. 

That is not what Christmas is about though.

Do you know why I like A Charlie Brown Christmas?  I'll tell you why.  Its because Schultz knew this shit was getting out of hand and he wasn't afraid to say something about it.  He disguised his views as a child's holiday cartoon but it was much more than that.  Linus's on-stage soliloquy about the birth of our Lord was chilling.  WHY?  We know the story.  We have known the story.  It was a wake-up call because there was too much commercialism in 1965.
Charlie, Lucy and even Snoopy had forgotten what they were celebrating.  Then they were surprised by how simply a brave young boy stepped forward to tell about the most humble of beginnings.  Christmas is not about money or lights or decorations or excess.  A savior was born in a barn.  He was then wrapped up in blankets and placed in a trough or an open box in which feed for livestock is placed.  I think its safe to say that it hasn't gotten better.  A Charlie Brown Christmas is still relevant today.  We all forget sometimes. 

Why do we need a 24 hour Christmas radio station?  I hate "Jingle Bells" and I know that anyone working in retail would agree that "Santa Baby" is the most annoying song ever created by man, woman or beast.  And almost nothing pisses me off more than caroling in November. 
Why were there decorations for sale before Halloween was in the books?  That is just plain ridiculous.  One holiday at a time people.  Halloween is the 2nd largest commercial holiday in this country and its still overshadowed by Christmas.  I love Halloween.  Don't cheapen it with sleighs and candy canes next to the blood and guts in the seasonal aisles.
Why do we wrap gifts?  Many animals are in danger of becoming extinct from deforestation yet we somehow see the need to buy paper with the sole purpose of tearing it to pieces.  Yeah!  Good idea.  I never liked the spotted-owl anyway.  Please do not make me mention how much people pay for gift bags.  I bought a reusable grocery bag for 99 cents.  Try that next time.  The gift bag that keeps on giving-----TO OUR PLANET!
When did Santa come into the picture?  I don't get it.  Kids only like Santa because he gives them stuff.  Your kids would love me if I gave them free shit every year and I hate kids.  Maybe you could have your kids sit and chat with Jesus' at Christmas.  Maybe have Him turn water into toys.  I don't care.  At least we might get some religious tie-in and hopefully Jesus wont be portrayed by fat man who gets his jollies from kids sitting on his lap.  I don't think kids will have a hard time believing in Jesus or his ability to turn hydrogen and oxygen atoms into barbies or Wii's. 

They already believe...
A) elves live at the North Pole
B) reindeer can fly
C) one person can visit all the christian houses in the world in one evening
D) a magic sack can contain all the toys for all the christian houses in the world
E) a fat man can travel through a chimney that birds get stuck in
F) you didn't eat the cookies
G) that Santa has a "Made In China" stamp or sticker book in his workshop
H) ALL OF THE ABOVE

The Grinch could not steal Christmas.  He failed!  "It came without packages, boxes or bags"  I don't want to steal it.  I am canceling it until you people start making some changes.