I don't watch alot of TV. I don't! I have an HD tv and a newly acquired Blu-Ray player, but I rarely actually watch TV broadcasts. I tend to watch movies or play video games. I still sit on the couch and stare at the TV, but I'm not watching "TV".
This is America and I am an American. Trust me. I know how to sit and do nothing.
Sometimes I carefully venture out into the world network television. I do like some shows. It's just hard because I have so little variety without cable. I guess I just feel my TV is empty without MTV, Oxygen, Lifetime, BET or QVC, HSN, CMT, LOBO or the Speed channel. I guess sometimes I just feel that I am not worthy of television without all of this. Sometimes...
Sometimes I watch some PBS. I dont know why. It's not Sesame St. that gets me. Although that would make sense because of all the puppets and letters and numbers. And that's not to mention the compelling plot lines. I watch The Antiques Road Show. I love it. Those little old ladies get me so excited when their great grand mothers jewelry box turns out to be worth $5,000 and they get me so sad when their turn-of-the-century Tiffany lamp is a replica. The problem with the show is that its on PBS and there are no commercials. No frame of reference for time. I don't even realize I've been watching too long until its over. How is there an expert for 1950's cereal box toys? That fascinates me. This man and his yet unchallenged virginity knows all there is to know about General Mills.
"She's Crafty" is a show made by a woman like Martha Stewart except that she is younger with much less money, less annoying and slightly more attractive. I watched her make a coffee table out old skateboards once. I think its channel 27-2. I dont know what its called though. ION maybe? I watch that show.
Maury Povich is still making men take paternity tests. Apparently, Maury still has an abundant supply of women that can't identify they baby daddy. These women can't be sure who the father of their child is because of their indiscretions. I don't judge them (OK I judge them) but I don't feel like national TV in front of a live studio audience is the best place for them and their families. I think that their problem solving ability may be why they can't can't keep a man past the climax. I saw a woman on Maury who was certain that the 8th-eighth-1,2,3,4,5,6,7-8th man tested was gonna be the one. He was surely the father of her 3 year old child. They had already tested 7 and had gotten 7 negative results! "It couldn't be anyone else." Really!?! Things weren't looking too good for old #8 until they read that "Not Guilty" verdict. She instantly fell to sobbing puddled mess on cue and he celebrated with a victory fist pump. Maybe the will get it sorted out by the time the kid is 18. Maury still makes good TV.
I have recently begun watching episodes of a little known show called "24". "24" chronicles the heroic and seemingly endless exploits of a handsome and resourceful Jack Bauer played by an exceedingly talented Kiefer Sutherland. All of the seasons and episodes are available through Netflix and I can stream them directly to my TV via Xbox live. I watched my first hour on Saturday April 10th. Today is April 29th and I have 1 hour to go in order to complete the 3rd season. So what if I am watching 3.7 episodes a day. Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. why should I? It's not an addiction. I just really like the show. I'll stop. I can stop. Just one more episode and then I am done. Well...Maybe just the first hour of season 4. I just want to know what its about and then I'll be done. Honest.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Rugrats
Do I want kids?
Hell no!
Do do drug dealers smoke their stash? That's a bad example.
Do White Castle employees eat sliders? This isn't helping. Of course they do.
Do janitors keep their own houses clean? I am not certain. I wouldn't.
What I am saying is I am around kids all day. I spend countless hours with them when I am at work. WHY would I want more kids?
Let me start over by explaining briefly what I do. I run a program for kids. Itsa sorta child development program for young children ages 18 months-7 years. You may have heard of it but that's not the point. The point is that for the last 4 1/2 years I have been immersed in kids. I wade knee deep in kids and sometimes waist high for 40 hours a week and I do it Monday-Saturday. I coordinate classes for almost 750 little ones weekly. I have personally taught close to 2,000 classes. I don't meet them all but I have met a bunch and this is what I have learned.
Kids are crazy!
Their attention spans are fragile at best.
Most lack a 2nd grade reading level and some can't even muster the strength to finish the alphabet.
They smell and they produce inconceivable amounts of mucus.
They all look the same.
They scare easily.
They can't speak properly and quite often cant remember their own names.
Their jealousy turns frequently to violence.
They never remember to go to the bathroom before class.
And many of them have light up shoes.
I hate children.
Oh, but they do make me laugh. I met a kid who called himself "Batman" today. All day. It was "Black Batman" actually and I wasn't sure if he meant "The Dark Knight" or if I just needed to watch more cartoons. Batman, as you know, is an Equal Opportunity Crusader, but this kid was white and I thought it odd that his Batman persona was black so I giggled.
Black Batman is the type of kid that refers to himself in the third person. That more than doubles my enjoyment. Now I must call him by his goofball name and he must repeat it right back to me.
"Hey, Black Batman. Go get a ball." I said still chuckling to myself as a tiny 3 year old replies.
"Black Batman will do it."
It's stupid. It also makes me laugh.
Super Heroes actually come up quite often. Spider-Man seems to be popular these days. Spidey-Kids will shoot webs at each other for a very long time if left unchecked.
Sometimes I leave them unchecked.
The best use of the webbing is widely debated, but one of my favorites is when a Spidey-Kid (while playing a "freeze tag" game) will chase and sling webs all over the opposition. S/He could choose play the game, but S/He wont. S/He will cock their wrists back into the standard slinging position with the underside of the arm facing upward to webbify any and all foes. The actual webshot sound varies from child to child and is hard to describe. It sounds similar to a laser "psshow" as you push air from a half whistle into your mouth and past puckering lips.
Its not all bad. There is some satisfaction to what I do.
I get a lot of respect from parents for dealing with their little terrors.
There is a tremendous amount of excitement for me when a kid remembers my name or my class or a game that we've played.
Sometimes the kids say hi to me when I am out about town.
It's especially fun when a child trusts you enough to ask you a question and you just lie to them.
I think I would be a great father.
Hell no!
Do do drug dealers smoke their stash? That's a bad example.
Do White Castle employees eat sliders? This isn't helping. Of course they do.
Do janitors keep their own houses clean? I am not certain. I wouldn't.
What I am saying is I am around kids all day. I spend countless hours with them when I am at work. WHY would I want more kids?
Let me start over by explaining briefly what I do. I run a program for kids. Itsa sorta child development program for young children ages 18 months-7 years. You may have heard of it but that's not the point. The point is that for the last 4 1/2 years I have been immersed in kids. I wade knee deep in kids and sometimes waist high for 40 hours a week and I do it Monday-Saturday. I coordinate classes for almost 750 little ones weekly. I have personally taught close to 2,000 classes. I don't meet them all but I have met a bunch and this is what I have learned.
Kids are crazy!
Their attention spans are fragile at best.
Most lack a 2nd grade reading level and some can't even muster the strength to finish the alphabet.
They smell and they produce inconceivable amounts of mucus.
They all look the same.
They scare easily.
They can't speak properly and quite often cant remember their own names.
Their jealousy turns frequently to violence.
They never remember to go to the bathroom before class.
And many of them have light up shoes.
I hate children.
Oh, but they do make me laugh. I met a kid who called himself "Batman" today. All day. It was "Black Batman" actually and I wasn't sure if he meant "The Dark Knight" or if I just needed to watch more cartoons. Batman, as you know, is an Equal Opportunity Crusader, but this kid was white and I thought it odd that his Batman persona was black so I giggled.
Black Batman is the type of kid that refers to himself in the third person. That more than doubles my enjoyment. Now I must call him by his goofball name and he must repeat it right back to me.
"Hey, Black Batman. Go get a ball." I said still chuckling to myself as a tiny 3 year old replies.
"Black Batman will do it."
It's stupid. It also makes me laugh.
Super Heroes actually come up quite often. Spider-Man seems to be popular these days. Spidey-Kids will shoot webs at each other for a very long time if left unchecked.
Sometimes I leave them unchecked.
The best use of the webbing is widely debated, but one of my favorites is when a Spidey-Kid (while playing a "freeze tag" game) will chase and sling webs all over the opposition. S/He could choose play the game, but S/He wont. S/He will cock their wrists back into the standard slinging position with the underside of the arm facing upward to webbify any and all foes. The actual webshot sound varies from child to child and is hard to describe. It sounds similar to a laser "psshow" as you push air from a half whistle into your mouth and past puckering lips.
Its not all bad. There is some satisfaction to what I do.
I get a lot of respect from parents for dealing with their little terrors.
There is a tremendous amount of excitement for me when a kid remembers my name or my class or a game that we've played.
Sometimes the kids say hi to me when I am out about town.
It's especially fun when a child trusts you enough to ask you a question and you just lie to them.
I think I would be a great father.
Friday, April 16, 2010
I pee standing up
Sometimes people ask me how I'm doing. Most of it is just in passing, but I think there are a few people have some small level interest in my daily life. Ok. Its my mother and I am normally quite annoyed when she asks me how I am doing for a lot of different reasons, but I have developed a standard response that seems to work for me.
"My life doesn't suck." could mean different things, but here is what it means to me.
I have a job. I actually really enjoy about 95% of my job. I will admit that sometimes I feel that it would be better without the customers or my boss but it pays the bills. My math skills aren't what they used to be so I will keep telling myself that customers account for less than 5% of what I do.
NOT the point. My bills are paid. That doesn't suck. I have definitely had my bank account overdrawn before. I have had my phone turned off before and that sucks quite a bit.
I have 3 vehicles plus a snowboard and that is far from suck.
The truck doesn't suck at all. It runs! It halls! and I don't put miles on it for road trips and I am seldom selected as designated driver due to the low seating capacity. Being sober around drunk people does suck.
My bicycle would suck if it were all I had to get me around. I have seen the people riding to work in the bitter cold and rain. That probably sucks. I don't know because I am not poor. see paragraph about the job.
Motorcycle! If you know me then you knew that one was coming. Its like riding a wave runner everywhere you go. The only way to put "suck" and "wave runner" in the same sentence (besides this one) is to say, "It sucks that you don't have a wave runner."
I don't live with my mother. I think you get the picture so we can move on.
I can write my name in the snow and I do every year. You have to do it in cursive, but its easy for me because my name starts with 2 A's. There is alot of backtracking with a letter like "K" or an extreme amount of stopping and starting and that sucks.
I have xbox live and no one complains about how long I've been on it.
I have air conditioning.
and internet
I don't menstruate or cry at everything
I have an extensive Jackie Chan collection. I am watching Rush Hour 2 right now and that doesn't suck like most sequels.
I am in a band. The Guitongo reunion tour will be coming to Indianapolis this July. Mike plays guitar. I play the bongo. Together we are...GUITONGO. Remember it takes 2 to Guitongo.
I haven't even begun to talk about my friends. Well...I wouldn't call them friends, but there are lots of people that I hang out with when I am bored. Most of then don't motorcycles or play xbox live so their lives do suck by direct comparison. And I think that half of them must remember to put the toilet seat down if you know what I'm talking about. I would imagine that jealousy is what prevents us from actually being friends.
Oh well.
At least my life doesn't suck.
"My life doesn't suck." could mean different things, but here is what it means to me.
I have a job. I actually really enjoy about 95% of my job. I will admit that sometimes I feel that it would be better without the customers or my boss but it pays the bills. My math skills aren't what they used to be so I will keep telling myself that customers account for less than 5% of what I do.
NOT the point. My bills are paid. That doesn't suck. I have definitely had my bank account overdrawn before. I have had my phone turned off before and that sucks quite a bit.
I have 3 vehicles plus a snowboard and that is far from suck.
The truck doesn't suck at all. It runs! It halls! and I don't put miles on it for road trips and I am seldom selected as designated driver due to the low seating capacity. Being sober around drunk people does suck.
My bicycle would suck if it were all I had to get me around. I have seen the people riding to work in the bitter cold and rain. That probably sucks. I don't know because I am not poor. see paragraph about the job.
Motorcycle! If you know me then you knew that one was coming. Its like riding a wave runner everywhere you go. The only way to put "suck" and "wave runner" in the same sentence (besides this one) is to say, "It sucks that you don't have a wave runner."
I don't live with my mother. I think you get the picture so we can move on.
I can write my name in the snow and I do every year. You have to do it in cursive, but its easy for me because my name starts with 2 A's. There is alot of backtracking with a letter like "K" or an extreme amount of stopping and starting and that sucks.
I have xbox live and no one complains about how long I've been on it.
I have air conditioning.
and internet
I don't menstruate or cry at everything
I have an extensive Jackie Chan collection. I am watching Rush Hour 2 right now and that doesn't suck like most sequels.
I am in a band. The Guitongo reunion tour will be coming to Indianapolis this July. Mike plays guitar. I play the bongo. Together we are...GUITONGO. Remember it takes 2 to Guitongo.
I haven't even begun to talk about my friends. Well...I wouldn't call them friends, but there are lots of people that I hang out with when I am bored. Most of then don't motorcycles or play xbox live so their lives do suck by direct comparison. And I think that half of them must remember to put the toilet seat down if you know what I'm talking about. I would imagine that jealousy is what prevents us from actually being friends.
Oh well.
At least my life doesn't suck.
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