A few friends of mine have accounts with an internet dating site. I don't actually have friends. It's me. I have an account on an internet dating site. That site will be called batch.com in order protect my innocence. It is a normal dating site as far as I know. There is possibly a whips and chains type of dating site that I will look at or "research" for another blog.
Man or Woman
Seeking Man or Woman.
Age range.
List your likes and dislikes.
Post some pics.
Lie about your exercise habits and your alcoholism.
Blink @ people.
And wammmo! You've got mail and you're on a date. I think that's how it works. I am really not sure. I have never actually used one of these sites before. I mean I have used them, but never have I ever met up with someone from the internet. Well...They aren't from the internet. They are from my home town...great now I lost my train of thought.
I won't lie. I have created a few profiles over the years, but that was purely in the name of science and looking at pictures of available women. I probably wouldn't even create a profile if I could just search the site anonymously. Actually, I bet alot of people initially create their profiles out of curiosity. That's how they get ya. Those devious Batch.comrs. They know that and they are exploiting me in my moment of weakness.
You wanna know somethin' really strange? We are talking about a strange (totally didn't see that coming) moment that happened today. It was instantaneously after completing my Batch.com survey. I saw the profile of a girl that I used to pass notes to in 8th grade. The kind of notes that have circles at the bottom. Yeah, that might not be odd to you, but it is for me. She also passed me a note that said we were getting too serious. Chicks just love to break my heart. What do you do if you see a coworker? Or a best friend? Or your mom or something? Sick! I will discontinue searching for cougars of the 54 year old variety forthwith. There are actually lots of people doing this sort of thing online. It has become sort of mainstream.
I think its funny that you don't need a profile to go to a bar and look at women in person. It would actually be really cool if you could read someone's likes and dislikes from about 5 feet away. I would love to know their exact age and birthday. Maybe they could hand you a print out like the type you get when you are shopping for a new home or apartment. I would like to know a girls relationship status before I bought them a drink or pissed off their boyfriend.
That would make a ton of sense, but my point is actually this: I could spend a whole hour eye sexing the blond in the corner. I can watch her smile and laugh and talk with her friends. I can look at her tank top and short blue skirt without her knowledge, but LuLulaughsalot1234 knows the exact moment I view her (hopefully not a dude) web profile.
It got a little creepy there and I am truely sorry to take you there, but that is what I was getting at. It seems like "real life" should take some lessons from cyberspace and start implementing this bar registration program immediately. What are we waiting for? Just do it already.
And I am shallow. I thought I had shallow tendencies, but I don't. It's the real deal. I really hope we're all shallow so that I don't feel like such a piece of crap for being shallow. I never thought about it before, but looks are important. "I'm not physically attracted" to a person is just another way of saying that they aren't attractive. "There is no chemistry" means they might even be ugly. Where is the sort button to avoid the uglies?
The problem is amplified by the fact that this website forces you to look at them all right in the face. There is no hiding from them. There are pages and pages of these people. 25 results per page. They're like locusts.
A search of non-smoking women ages 26 to 30 in a 10 mile radius of my location yielded almost 300 results. I am a busy guy. I don't have the kind of time needed to look for the inner beauty in all of you. That's how I know we are all shallow. We have to make some cuts people. They can't all be winners or they wouldn't all be on the site. I don't even talk to ugly people in the bar. I definitely don't look at them and I'd prefer it if they didn't touch me. (I laugh every time I read that)
Question: How many pounds are a few extra? I purposely selected "slender" in my search criteria for a a reason ladies. Did you think I would forget and click you because I didn't know I was into fat chicks? I am only kidding, but I am not checking the "curvy" button anymore. That's like playing Russian Roulette.
What is "about average"? Especially when I don't have "AVERAGE" to choose from. That vexes me. I am terribly vexed.
Also, be sure to take a picture of your dog and post it because that is exactly what I wanted to see. Your dog. Not you. Your dog. I hate you! And quit holding babies that aren't yours. It freaks me out and I have to scroll all around to see if the kid is yours and if it lives with you. Don't forget to mention that you are a laid back adventurer that likes to laugh. That should set you apart. Well...that's what I put anyway. I wonder why I am single. Get busy livin'
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