Rugrats

Do I want kids?

Hell no!

Do do drug dealers smoke their stash? That's a bad example.
Do White Castle employees eat sliders? This isn't helping. Of course they do.
Do janitors keep their own houses clean? I am not certain. I wouldn't.

What I am saying is I am around kids all day. I spend countless hours with them when I am at work. WHY would I want more kids?

Let me start over by explaining briefly what I do. I run a program for kids. Itsa sorta child development program for young children ages 18 months-7 years. You may have heard of it but that's not the point. The point is that for the last 4 1/2 years I have been immersed in kids. I wade knee deep in kids and sometimes waist high for 40 hours a week and I do it Monday-Saturday. I coordinate classes for almost 750 little ones weekly. I have personally taught close to 2,000 classes. I don't meet them all but I have met a bunch and this is what I have learned.

Kids are crazy!
Their attention spans are fragile at best.
Most lack a 2nd grade reading level and some can't even muster the strength to finish the alphabet.
They smell and they produce inconceivable amounts of mucus.
They all look the same.
They scare easily.
They can't speak properly and quite often cant remember their own names.
Their jealousy turns frequently to violence.
They never remember to go to the bathroom before class.
And many of them have light up shoes.

I hate children.

Oh, but they do make me laugh. I met a kid who called himself "Batman" today. All day. It was "Black Batman" actually and I wasn't sure if he meant "The Dark Knight" or if I just needed to watch more cartoons. Batman, as you know, is an Equal Opportunity Crusader, but this kid was white and I thought it odd that his Batman persona was black so I giggled.

Black Batman is the type of kid that refers to himself in the third person. That more than doubles my enjoyment. Now I must call him by his goofball name and he must repeat it right back to me.

"Hey, Black Batman. Go get a ball." I said still chuckling to myself as a tiny 3 year old replies.
"Black Batman will do it."
It's stupid. It also makes me laugh.

Super Heroes actually come up quite often. Spider-Man seems to be popular these days. Spidey-Kids will shoot webs at each other for a very long time if left unchecked.

Sometimes I leave them unchecked.

The best use of the webbing is widely debated, but one of my favorites is when a Spidey-Kid (while playing a "freeze tag" game) will chase and sling webs all over the opposition. S/He could choose play the game, but S/He wont. S/He will cock their wrists back into the standard slinging position with the underside of the arm facing upward to webbify any and all foes. The actual webshot sound varies from child to child and is hard to describe. It sounds similar to a laser "psshow" as you push air from a half whistle into your mouth and past puckering lips.

Its not all bad. There is some satisfaction to what I do.
I get a lot of respect from parents for dealing with their little terrors.
There is a tremendous amount of excitement for me when a kid remembers my name or my class or a game that we've played.
Sometimes the kids say hi to me when I am out about town.
It's especially fun when a child trusts you enough to ask you a question and you just lie to them.

I think I would be a great father.